WHAT 26,000 WOMEN IN TECH TAUGHT ME

“Women don’t dress up for MEN, they dress up for other WOMEN”

It was a thing I had heard. Can’t remember when it was, but I remember the thought process: ‘yeah, I bet that’s true’ and that was it, I accepted it without much afterthought. Made sense, women wanting to look good and not wanting to be outdone by other women. Kind of a nice thought. Like we keep each other in check, nonverbally challenging each of us to be our best and look our best.

Well, hey, that’s actually a crock of shit. I mean, it IS also true…but it’s still a crock of shit. Let me explain.

This all dawned on me because last week I was at a conference in Orlando with 26,000 other women. It was the annual GRACE HOPPER CELEBRATION for Women in Tech. For 4 days I walked the halls, attended talks, and kicked my feet up during down time with 26,000 other gals from all over the globe – the most beautifully diverse group of women too. And it opened my eyes to a few things OTHER than the fact I know so very, very little about tech. I attended one talk about autonomous driving vehicles hoping to learn a few interesting tidbits only to realize it was quite literally ABOUT them, meaning all about the tech behind it and so after the introduction, I was completely lost.

So much was stirred up in me being there - the inspiration in seeing so many bright, talented, engaged, focused women all in one place and the ease and comfort I felt being among them all. I have never been in the presence of that many women, all women with an occasional male face popping up every so often. I was surprised how at home and relaxed it made me feel. Not that I expected it to feel horrible and make me angst-ridden but, hey, we all have had experiences of being in rooms with all women and it not feeling particularly hospitable. It was 100% opposite. It was warm, welcoming but not soft, mushy or girly. It was simply a non-issue. It was wonderfully FREE of any trope, of any sitcom version of a bunch of tech women…or a bunch of women, period.

I was giving my talk there on the 3rd day, GOOD GIRLS AREN’T CEOs, and 10 minutes before it, I ducked into one of the giant hotel bathrooms where I did my usual last-minute touch ups. I was putting on some concealer when a few things hit me at once. I had only seen ONE woman, up until that moment, putting on make-up. Anywhere. In any bathroom, in front of any mirror, any reflection…this young woman I noticed was on the first day. She was putting on some mascara to take a selfie in front of one of the big GHC2019 signs. But THAT WAS IT. As I scanned back it was visibly absent. Was it happening? Of course it was but it was so glaringly MISSING. Also, I glanced up while in the bathroom and noticed women noticing I was putting on make-up. Yeah, it hit them as odd too. I didn’t feel judged or pitied, more like, “I haven’t seen THAT in a few days” or “huh, wonder why she’s doing that.” And I started to too.

The women on the whole were dressed comfortably. Relaxed but still nice. Jeans, t-shirts, hoodies, flowy skirts. And lots of sneakers. I'd say 95% some sort of sneaker. Not sure if I even came across a kitten heel. And why? Why would there be the need? That’s where lots of a-ha’s started popping in my head…and that stupid quote came to mind: “Women don’t dress up for MEN, they dress up for other WOMEN.” Well, yeah, women dress for other women BECAUSE THERE ARE MEN AROUND. Because life can seem like a living, breathing beauty pageant and there are judges watching. And sometimes the judges are US…but that’s when we are agreeing to those rules. In THAT model – you know which one I mean, the one WE didn’t design ourselves but far too many of us seem quite content to play out, consciously and unconsciously – we are meant to feel we have to compete. Look our best, be camera-ready. Be the head-turner when we walk into a room. There are those who have the power (sadly, many of them don't but we believe they do, and so we hand it over to them…and so they do) and in order to get what we need or want, we have to be pleasing. We have look the part. And we need to out-do, out-shine, out-'feminine' the others to be noticed.

But not here. WHY????!!! Such a fascinating thing to consider! Clearly, it must have to do with the fact this is a conference for women in TECH. How you look is irrelevant in that world. Maybe it’s the fact I’ve lived in LA and NYC for most of my life. Maybe it’s because I am in the performing arts and auditions are part of life. Walking into a room where there are 20 other ‘you’s’ there, knowing only one of ‘you’ will be picked does something to your sense of being ok with exactly who you are, what size your jeans are, and how you look when you glance in that mirror. This was a different world. Had this been the (fill in the blank) Kardashian Conference with 26,000 women attending, it would be a different story. You probably couldn't GET to a mirrored surface without waiting in line. This gathering not feel accidentally different. It felt, “Fuck That” different. It felt empowered. It felt full of smart, confident women who just weren’t going to play that game. Maybe it’s because they would be taken LESS seriously if they DID look like most of the women in the magazines and music videos. Which can make you even MORE upset if you follow that line of thinking…being really smart can’t live in the same space as looking ‘hot’ and attractive (to a man)??!

Maybe they have to downplay their femininity to get ahead in the VERY lopsided and sexist universe they live in? (I say sexist because when you start to look at the stats in tech and what financing tech start-ups get if you’re a female, you’ll come to the same conclusion, believe me…not to mention all the stories of what the work cultures are like) Quite remarkable, there was an ease to being there. A comfort-in-one’s-own-skin feel. On the last day, after my talk, I wore my most comfortable ‘soft pants’ that I usually save for my flights. And sneakers. I didn’t spend much time getting ready and as I roamed the halls, even though I’d come to share my knowledge of the GOOD GIRL, I left having been taught some very valuable lessons. One being, there is a future coming where being exactly who we are, right now, is exactly right. Exactly enough. And we don’t have to compete with each other. In fact, being around one another feels exactly like home.